Is it better to be liked or respected?

Naturally we all hope that the two are not mutually exclusive, but I received an email from one of my most liked and respected colleagues today because he was reminded of some advice I had once given him.

On a particularly grueling day of project management, my colleague was bemoaning the fact that nobody on this project seemed to “like” him…he wasn’t getting the same connections with his team or staff that had become the norm for him. He felt like he was constantly in a position of mandating and governing (no McPun intended) instead of leading and supporting in the fashion of collegiality he was used to.

I reached way back to the beginning of my career and told him what my then Sr. Manager told me, “If you like me, then I’m not doing my job!”

First let me tell you that I did in fact like this Sr. Manager a lot (hence why he could get away w/the tongue in cheek remark), but I got what he was saying. Sometimes somebody has to be the bad guy, the one who keeps everybody honest, the one who says we have to work late to get this done, the one who cracks the proverbial whip.

Did I stop liking my Sr. Manager? Yes…and I hurled curses at him in the mirror of the ladies’ room when I missed Melrose Place that night (look, this was a long time ago and TiVo was yet a glint in somebody’s eye). Did I keep hating him? Of course not, because he had my respect; I respected the fact that he stayed right there at the office with me until we finished; he acknowledged and praised the work; and more importantly, he bought me a beer that Friday at our weekly happy hour!

So why did I respect this Manager? Because he did his job in inspiring and rewarding me. He did all that he could to enable me to get the job done, brought lunch in, cheered as mini milestones were met, gave me and my team the attention that we needed to feel that we were responsible for the success of an important endeavor for the company, and he didn’t accept any excuses for our not being successful.

The further up the food chain that you get the smaller and smaller your circle of “friends” becomes. I don’t mean your network or acquaintances…I’m talking about the guys (and gals) that you grab a beer with and can trust with telling exactly how your day went. It’s a very careful balance to maintain a work camaraderie that makes for a productive, high performing team and not get to personally involved where you can’t easily put on the “leader hat” and get down to brass tacks.

Being the boss can be uncomfortable sometimes, and being unpopular because you make unpopular decisions is tough. But at the end of the day, when somebody needs to get tough or take a hard line then as a leader you have to step up. Once you’ve led people to success (even through what may seem an ugly road), you gain that respect, and I’ve always found it’s really hard to dislike someone whom you respect.